How to be yourself when you grew up thinking nobody liked you

a series (probably)

You never know which days will change you in some irreversible way. You tend to just walk into them blindly, expecting one thing, and finding yourself stood at the end of it, transformed.

Last Saturday was one of those days for me.

And I knew it would be a big day, as I was going to my friends day retreat..

But while I thought I was going for moral support, and to soak up all the incredible energy she always creates in a room, what I had was a verging-on-shamanic, cracking-open-of-my-heart type day, which led to me sobbing for two hours when I got home that evening.

Because the truth is that I grew up thinking that nobody would ever actually like me.

At primary school, I was bullied by my peer group and closest friend for years while teachers looked on.

Then at secondary, I wasn’t bullied (although found myself at the centre of many a rumour and dirty look), and instead finally felt I’d found at least some people who liked me. I poured my whole heart into these friendships, until one day I found out that I was at the bottom of their priority list. The message was received: They didn’t love me as much as I loved them. And when I integrated into a new group, the same happened again. And then for good measure, it happened one more time.

At University, I was adored by my circle - finally - but it fell apart after covid forced us all home, and I grieved the loss of them all for years. The loss of a community, or little tribe, that I could call mine.

I suppose the internal experience of the first 20 years of my life went something like this:

actively disliked, then never quite enough to be chosen, to finally being inevitably, invariably, left on my own again.

I’d kind of forgotten about those early school experiences until a couple of years ago, where a casual conversation made me realise that when I was really young, my year group never really liked me.

And up until this weekend, I hadn’t really sat with how that affects you. The ways it changes how you approach your relationships, social groups, and even your career. The fact that your whole life can be moulded around this persistent sense of not-enough-ness..of ‘there must be something different I should be doing to be loved’.

Because when I rocked up at the event on Saturday, entirely as me - not some watered-down, trying-to-be-liked version - I was met with connection. I was met with women who invited me to stay at their homes, or help me find a new job (having just left mine). I was met with women who told me they loved my content, or had watched all of my workshops; I even had someone turn to their friend and go ‘this is who I was telling you about! She’s Lucie Energetics!’ It might sound inconsequential to some, but to me, I struggled to let their words sink in.

I spent the day watching one of my closest friends as she guided these women in the most awe-inspiring way, and I found myself thinking ‘why would she want to be friends with me?’

What it showed me was this gaping wound I’ve never really touched.

And as I left the venue, totally exhausted, I found myself overwhelmed with anxiety.

The wound was screaming at me ‘Nobody could ever really like you. You’re going to be left again, as you always are, because you’re not quite enough’. Or at least, in hindsight, that’s what it was saying - in the moment, all I could hear was the white noise of fear.

So I went home, and I cried, and at first I couldn’t work out what had sent me on such a spiral. But as I began to verbalise how viscerally triggered I felt, I began to excavate these roots. These long-overlooked patterns which have held me in a vice-like grip for my entire life.

And as the words spilled out, and I gave voice to all the ways I felt inadequate, or inconsequential, or as if everyone would eventually get bored of me and move on, and as I cried and cried, so terrified of being alone again, the strangest thing happened.

I realised that I finally felt seen.

It was as if the pure terror of it all being stripped away made me realise that I was only scared because I’d done it. I’d found it. I’d found me, and I’d let her be seen, and she’d been accepted. Not just accepted - she’d been deeply valued. And the more I spoke, and excavated all the ways I was terrified of being judged, I realised that I was only scared because I’d be honest. I’d been authentic. I’d actually, finally, managed to be me.

And when I realised this, it became this overwhelming, sobbing, messy relief. As if a lifetime of yearning to be seen and valued might be coming to an end. As if the scales had tipped in favour of the real me, and like it might, from now on, be less terrifying to be her.

The possibility of this was earth-shattering. It broke my heart open in the best possible way.

And as I sat with it, I realised that I’d been working towards this moment for a while now.

For years I’ve been moving through a mix of therapy, journalling, endless self-hypnosis, and baby steps forward as I tackled my low self-worth. Working through toxic jobs, toxic relationships, then graduating to finally release the things that were good, but not quite enough for the version of me who finally had some real self-esteem; the loving but not-quite right relationships, and the well-paid but not-quite-right job. I’ve been showing up on Instagram despite the nauseating fear that someone from school would see me, and learning to do lives even though I assumed people would think I was an idiot. Very deliberately for the past year, I’ve been trying each day to be more me, and facing the fear of rejection and judgement.

But in doing so, what I’ve really been on is a journey of learning that the magic happens when you pair the work with the woo. The subconscious reprogramming with a commitment to making the space to hear, then act upon, your intuition. That that’s when you go from simply outstripping outdated programming, to welcoming in the aligned blessings.

Because it was my intuition that told me to message a woman I didn’t know on Instagram, but the work that allowed me to do it, by facing all my fears of being judged, rejected, and deemed a weirdo. It was my intuition that told me that I needed to make sure I was entirely myself when I met her, but the work that meant I spent the walk there chanting ‘Do NOT shrink, do NOT pretend, do NOT try to make her like you.’

And it was those small moments - the quiet but insistent intuition, with the commitment to shift out of old programming, that broke everything open for me. Because that woman is now a dear friend, and her friendship has held up a mirror. She’s someone who saw all I was, and all I could be, and believed in it loudly and wholeheartedly. Someone who gave me confidence to begin Lucie Energetics, and trusted me on her platform. An equal vote of confidence, and trust fall, where I was challenged to step up. Where the seed was planted for me to begin to step into who I truly am, out in the world.

And that was the blessing - the divinely aligned and guided path I got to tread, that was never in my plan, and could never have been devised, but has taken me to precisely where I wanted to be.

When I paired the work with the woo, that’s when magic happened. This is the combination that will allow you to not only release the fear of being your authentic self, but to tread the path that the cosmos has charted out for that version of you.

So this is hardly the end of this journey - in many ways, its just the beginning - but I finally feel free.

Because it’s the most frightening thing any of us can do - to remove the layers we’ve built to make ourselves loveable, and instead open our truest selves up to the world.

But wherever you’re at, the world needs you. Your gifts, individual perspectives, joys, pains, and voice. Your way of walking, talking, and doing. It’s what we need.

And if I’ve learnt anything at all so far, it is that it is worthy. It is loveable. It is enough.